Tales of the Heartily Homeschooled:
The Annotated Table of Contents

Introduction

Part One: Make Way for Livin'

1. Ontario: The Journey Begins

The peace was quickly shattered by a loud bellow, "Are there any more small stuffables? Last call for small stuffables! No? All right, then... EVERYBODY IN!"

2. We Wish You a Currey Christmas

No sooner was the tree decorated than it fell over, flooding the living room with the contents of the tree-bucket and breaking several ornaments. Oh, did I neglect to mention that my father was stuck underneath the tree?

3. Freezing At Eighty-Five Degrees

Polar bears, seals, and naked mole rats are suited to their environments. People are not.

4. Hobbits Shall Not Suffer Alone

It is a frightening thing to realize that one's cousins and sisters do not need a wake up call. It makes one think of plots being hatched.

5. Can I Have...?

Babysitting is like playing tennis. The kids stand on one side of the net and fire requests, and the babysitter leaps, dives, and swishes to throw the answers right back before something unfortunate happens.

6. The Rutabaga Fest

We Thomsons descended on the world of trade shows like Attila the Hun with a sales pitch.

7. How To Be Funny Without Even Trying

Become an abnormality when it comes to dressing, a sort of hiccup in the world of fashion, and you will very quickly become funny.

8. Those Bygone Weiner Days (or, How to Put Out a Marshmallow Roast)

Merrily and rowdily we hiked along. Suddenly, someone (I suspect it was me) glanced up the mountain and saw a terrible something with a large head, a barrel-like body and a long nose.

9. A Mother's Eye View

Some people have looked at this type of parental behaviour and concluded that all mothers are liars. I do not agree with this.

10. Pitter-Patter

Whoever coined the phrase ‘pitter-patter of little feet’ didn't have children. He had mice. Children don't pitter-patter except when they don't want you to know what they're doing.

11. Bare Foots and Bunting Bags (or, Why Babies Are the Bestest)

Have you ever stopped to think of the creativity of a God who could invent ‘cute’?

Part Two: Family, And Other Oddities

12. Manitoba: The Journey Takes Turns Literary and Life-Threatening

Morgue, the,
n.: The van after the massacre of the national bird of Manitoba. Final tally: eleven bumpy human beings with a nervous twitch in their eyes; 3,658 dead mosquitoes.

13. The Battle of Underwear Mountain

There, tucked away in a corner of Mom's room, the basket languishes for months until Mom announces that it's time to Do Something About It.

14. Crackers

People sometimes assume that big families must turn out little cookie-cutter kids, every one exactly alike. The opposite is true.

15. The December Games

As exciting as the Olympic games are, they've got nothing on my family of sixty-odd relatives during the holidays.

16. The Return of the Rings

Our parents went out one night, and with the younger ones peacefully reposing in their beds, we settled around the television with great anticipation.

17. My Sister the Pyromaniac

Sometimes we get our stuff back, sometimes we don't. You'd think all the weeping and gnashing of teeth would have more effect.

18. Things That Go Boing in the Night

Before I had collected myself and my belongings, the clock struck eleven and the house went ‘Boing.’

19. Who, Me?

‘...as I was saying: do you think having a big family makes you loopy? Or is it just that some people are more organized than others?’

20. If It Fits in Your Mouth, Eat It

Whatever the reason, Currey children are known for a propensity to eat weird things, much to our parents' horror and disgust.

Part Three: War Against the Machine

21. Saskatchewan: The Journey Comes to a Sudden and Tragic End. Almost.

We didn't sit up and take notice until the stench began to remind us of smoke.

22. Vacuum Cleaners I Have Known

I'm a little ashamed to say so, but our vacuum cleaner suffered greatly in its lifetime. Our house is vacuum cleaner purgatory.

23. Pass the Soda, Pass the Fleas

I came home from classes one day to find that most of our furniture had been moved into my ballet studio.

24. I Want to Be a Child for Christmas

As my mother and all other grown-up people have always known, Christmas is a lot of work.

25. Mom, the Barbecue's On Fire

Becky and I looked at each other. "I think the barbecue's on fire," quoth she.

26. On a Soggy Sunday Morning

The upstairs toilet, caught up in the rush of excitement, also did its part. It faithfully dripped for hours.

27. Put Out the Earthquake, and Go Back To Bed

In the meantime, my parents rode their bed across the floor, watching their bunny slippers hop across the carpet in front of them.

28. To Build a Fire

All of this was harrowing, but not nearly as bad as that dark and stormy night in Port Coquitlam when we were terrorized by the refrigerator.

29. Apocalyptic Wars of the Computer Age

Currently we have a PC (Perpetual Catastrophe) which sits in our basement groaning like a card-carrying member of the computer tubercular asylum.

30. There's Gonna Be a Floody, Floody

A few frenetic minutes of battle availed us nothing, and I bolted upstairs, leaving perfect footprints on the wood.

Part Four: According to Plan (B)

31. Alberta: In Which We Get Lost in the Scenery and Peer Past Construction

I had never seen the Rockies before our trip west, and as they appeared on the far horizon of the plains I sat up straighter in my seat and fidgeted a little with excitement.

32. Hup! Hup! Hup!

I'm going to build character whether I like it or not, or else I'm going to fold up and become a dried, useless lump.

33. Taxi!

I tried calling the taxi again and—oh, blessed sound—I heard the faintest hint of a voice amidst the static.

34. Papa Was a Gypsy, Mama Was a Rock

It happens every year. The scent of faraway lands rides in with the chilly April breeze, and we are stricken with travel fever.

35. Charge of the Apple Brigade

Armed with peeling and chopping knives, cutting boards and garbage pails, we prepared to make a mass charge on the harvested apples.

36. Clutter Wars

Instead of shrinking, our pile of clutter continues to grow, like a man eating weed.

37. Faith, Trust, and Windshield Wiper Fluid

There is something demeaning to teenage pride about seeing your mother's fingernail marks in the dashboard to the right of you.

38. Let It Rain

There is a scientifically provable link between Thomson family moves and rain. We move, it rains.

39. Canning Peaches the (Almost) Painless Way

You will not notice that you are in danger of dying from gas fumes because you're flying around like a mad woman cleaning up the disaster. Fortunately, your mother will probably notice and rush in to save your life.

40. Salvation in the Mailbox

I've always looked for salvation in unexpected places.

41. We're Jesus's People

With every lesson comes the growing knowledge that these are the things we believe, the truths that distinguish us. We're different from the world. We're Jesus's people.

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